Rotten Cabbages and Unplucked Apples.

ROTTEN CABBAGES AND UN PLUCKED ROSES (ON BROKEN MARRIAGES AND SINGLE MOTHERS)

….. I know, I know. This isn’t what you want to read. You want the concluding part to ‘Assuzzie Baby’. Trust me, it’l come soon. I sincerely think that story is jinxed. I wish you all know how many times iv tried to write that story. But it won’t just flow. Anyway, some days back I had a very intense conversation with two of my friends and it just summed up all my perception, hearsay and things I have seen concerning broken marriages and the Problems of single mothers. I decided to share my thoughts. Enjoy.

FEMINIST

ROTTEN CABBAGES

Marriage; the LEGAL union of a man and a woman in order to live together and often to have children.2, an act establishing this union (an intimate union of TRUE MINDS)
THE CONCISE OXFORD DICTIONARY

I like the above definition of Marriage given by the men and women in Oxford. We all can define legal or hold legal in two ways as I suspect most of you are already.
1. Legal; the religious union. Where the husband and the wife swear with the bible/Quran to be with each other for better and worse. They do this in presence friends, families and even enemies who pretend to be friends. The women’s heads, all wrapped in the same color of Gele.

2. The constitutional rights of both a woman and man to become a union. Under a Signed document called THE CERTIFICATE. Signed by a Judge  in presence of  witnesses.

Whichever way you look at it or whichever you respect more, one of these two must happen for a union to be called marriage right? OK, lets move on. In all my existence in life, my formal and informal education, I’ve so been taught that marriage is the height of my living. Getting married, having kids of my own and catering for my family. Society has shown me this process from a lot of titles. You become MR from MASTER and MRS from MISS and the ultimate one, DADDY&MUMMY. I’ve since seen that in all I must do, I must place getting married as a priority. In fact, if you’re looking an irresponsible man, look at the one who is above 35 and not married yet. For a woman, look at the one who is above 30 and not married yet. Society. Society. Society. O su mi.
I am happy for everyone that is married. But I also ask, is marriage for everyone? You can battle with that answer. I am battling with it too. Sometimes I answer yes, other times I answer no. I must tell you. I don’t understand what men and women (before and after marriage) expect from marriage or what society expects of men and women (before and after marriage).
Am I the only one alarmed at the appalling rate of divorces happening nowadays? Damn! It seems like the world as come to another renaissance, where people seek more than marriage to be fulfilled. To explore the world and its freedom, to earn all the money in the world and be tagged successful in other things other than marriage.
Marriages crash as soon as soon as they re legalized these days. I don’t even want to mention Kim Kardashian. That’s a waste of my sweaty time. But look at Stella Damasus, Nike Osinowo, Doris Simeon,Monalisa Chinda, Fathia vs Said Balogun and the recent one Funke Akindele and Princess. After looking at these people, try remembering your neighbor who is divorced too. Your relative, or your colleague, broken marriages everywhere. First, I must say, people must learn to stop calling actresses and actors who break up their marriage irresponsible. They r not different from Rev Chris Okotie! If Christ Okotie still has congregation members and stands on the pulpit on some Saturdays solemnizing marriages then we all can pass. I wonder, what does he tell the couples he had to join together? “Do you solemnly wear, to accept this woman for better and when you cant take it anymore send her packing without telling anybody anything”. I wonder.

Secondly, I don’t care about you, but I think I am with Stella Damasus on this her marriage ‘macabadom’(patrick obiahagbon tins). I think she loved Jaye too much. And she’s use to a standard of love and treatment from her late husband that only Daniel Ademilekan has been able to match up to( if indeed theyre dating, both parties have denied anything of such. They say they are just friends). People should chase happiness. I am in full support of such love story. They dared to give society the wild middle finger and that’s why a lot of you re cranky. (tongue out). That aside, I don’t not support the way and manner both parties went about moving on. That said, let’s move on.

A friend made a joke that soon people will start inviting us to buy ‘aso ebi’ for divorce party just as we bought for the wedding. At some wedding receptions, you can already tell that the couple won’t last, Sad. I have this group meeting I attend. For married people, they say they teach ‘marital communication’. I, like you ask,’ what happened to the days of lets work it out? I mean like our parents do. Last week at the meeting, older folks were invited to share some of their experiences about marriage. After listening to about three of the women and two men, I concluded that even the old folks want a way out. But unlike us, old folks allowed society to have a way in their relationship. They did it, the societal way, what will people say’. I think that’s the only reason some of can still say ‘my parents live in …..’ as suppose ‘my mother lives in Enugu but my father is in the UK’. I am not trying to throw jabs at my friends whose parents are divorced. No, I am just saying, your Moms and Dads have taken a very, very bold step to living their lives. To own up to the truth and go in search of Peace. Some husbands and wives won’t experience peace until some minutes to their deaths, everyman for himself as they say. It is the truth. What is the point of soaking your heart, commitment and life into a Union that ended some 20, 30 years ago? One woman actually said to us that to her, her marriage had ended since 1984. This year, she celebrated three decades of being married. Do the math. She’s been living a great deal of her life just bearing, believing, hoping and conscious of what society would say. I salute the men and women who despite what society would say left the man or the woman they once loved. It is never easy.
Also, I came to understand or to think that maybe like dating, marriage too should be continuous. You know, you date a girl/guy, you guys don’t work out you ditch him and move on to the next loved individual. Is ti so? You marry now, after 10, 8,6,4,2 years find out your man or woman isn’t who you want, you divorce and find your life partner? Let’s take Stella for instance, she was married to Jaye, then that Igbo man, then you all heard she’s now with Daniel Ademilekan. Isn’t that how it should be?If yes, is the society ready? What will happen to the kids? You gather children from marriages? I don’t understand. But one thing though, salute to all those who sit in that marriage and make it work.

The other issue I find most tremendously pitiable is the way men, my peers and probably the older ones castigate and cast single women with a child. You and I call them ‘Baby Mamas’. Love has happened upon me like dews on a leaf. It has given silly satisfaction like the kid that rushes out under the rain and danced under its heavy down pour, naked, unashamed of peering eyes. Yes love has happened to me. And while I dated some women with future dreams, I knew for sure that I wouldn’t want to end up with some. It didn’t take forever. What am I driving at? What is men’s problem in loving or marrying a single woman with a child?
In my first year as a student at the University of Ibadan I was so in love with a girl who later confessed to me that she has a child. I wasn’t really experienced about dating. If we had dated I think she would have become my third girlfriend and my 1st in the University. Not like I am a Pro in dating now or something. But I am now in my 7th relationship. So yes, I think I know a thing, if not two about dating and women. What crime has single mothers committed that men find them intimidating to marry? Sh*t happens. I think I have more respect for women who decide to keep babies when they find out they’re pregnant. It isn’t easy, whatever the circumstances must have been. May be men wake up and sum up that women who have kids before marriage are loose or were indecent. But I’d like to ask men one question. ‘how many times have some of you reading told or compelled some of your girlfriends to abort a pregnancy or buy contraceptive pills?” i don’t think a man who truly loves a woman would advise her to get rid of a baby she’s carrying for him .He’d take it! Things may later wane between them but a baby occurred when it did and both parties had to move on. Be that as it may, how come men go on to marry, and the lady never seems to find someone who would accept her and her child? Is it a crime to be a Baby Mama?

MOTHER AND CHILD
I actually don’t mind getting married to a Baby Mama. I think it’ll make the man more responsible the moment he decides to get serious with the lady. A man scared of a child that isn’t his doesn’t really love the woman. Or maybe I am just naïve. Except in a most unusual way if the woman is so possessive of the child and won’t let the man correct or discipline the child. That could be a big problem but if the relationship does mean anything to her she’ll have to buckle up and come down of her donkey. But I don’t even think women have problems switching Daddies for their kids. Especially, if the kid is still very young. Men are just scared. But I had thought a woman with a baby wouldn’t be a problem for men. First, she’s experienced with kids. More caring and would know how to treat a man. Cos really, men are worse than babies. I actually admire the independent single Moms. God knows it isn’t easy bringing up a child, dome married couples can’t even keep up, yet a single Mom does it so well and scare a man. O ga!!!!!!!!!
So I am trying to do the math, if marriages are crumbling and single young mothers can’t find husbands from the array of eligible bachelors, how are the single girls faring? They want to go get married! It’s even worse now for the men, with GEJ’s reckless spending of the nation’s treasury and the pressure on a man to break even, these girls just want to get married, like there’s a calendar in heaven for it. I think a complete man, who is independent won’t find problems in being with a single Mom and a brave married man or woman won’t have problems walking out of a crumbling marriage.
These are my thoughts, let me know yours.

MOTHER N CHILD 2
P.S; I have two single mother friends that I admire so, so much. They are beautiful, strong, DECENT, fun to be with and of course independent. So if you think you are MAN enough hit me up.

Sex and The Country

Welcome, this isn’t an attempt at resuscitating this blog. For some days now I have had the urge to put some of the most nudging thoughts in my head on a paper, yesterday the urge was really pressing, so here.
On Easter Sunday my Twitter timeline got really interesting, a South African man had gone to Dubai to engage in anal sex for 50k $ to purchase a Benz, there were also pictures of him in Dubai with wads of dollars. Someone had leaked the conversation between himself and the Arab man and it was dirty, very dirty.
It didn’t stop there, several other revelations and more DM leaks of women who have gone to Dubai for the randiest holiday for commercial gain began to pop up. A Nigerian woman sent an anonymous piece out confessing to the most ridiculous, extreme and disturbing sexual ritual and fetishes known to some (definitely not me). I cringed as I read her confession of having slept with 10 men at once and a dog, how she’s been pissed on and poo’d upon. How a finger had been stuck up in her butt hole and she licked a butt hole too. It freaked you out uhn? Well, I don’t expect any other reaction.
I am sure news or rumored tales of what Nigerian young ladies now go to Dubai to do isn’t news anymore. In fact, some say it was due to the activities of these young unguarded ladies that led to the decision by the Dubai authorities banning single Nigerian blow 40 to travel alone. Whether that was true or not, would one blame the Dubai authorities? The UAE is one of the very progressive Arab nations in the world trying to balance its religious beliefs while keeping its interaction with the rest of the world liberal. It reminded me of a scene from the Sex and The City series where Charlot was booed by the Dubai men during one of their trips there for her “indecent dressing”. It wasn’t different from the tales of what I have heard of Saudi men, Iran and all. Their die hard love for bedding African women and still appear holy. I remember it’s the same with Nigerian men and probably the world, or maybe not.
Men love sex, even though many of them suck at it. (I imagine a lot of ladies would scream abi ooooo). A lot of people love to eat, some love to work out and yes, others love to have sex. The morality of whether this human phenomenon should be tied to one person or multiple sex partners is not why I am blogging about this topic. Why I am blogging about this is the annoying prejudice/lies told against sex. From news report and books I have read, a lot Arab men love sex, and keep tons of sexual partners despite the stiff laws with regards such practices in their countries. They and their chauvinistic approach to life. Not until recently, Saudi women never had the right to vote, they never drove a car and most of them were forced to marry their husbands. In the case when they refuse, they are killed!! its called honor killing. And guess, its carried out by their father or brother. The woman get killed for bringing dishonor to his father’s house.  There are also stories of how Nigerian women are turned to sex slave in Oman, Libya and Qatar. Housed for years, never to be seen outside, fed, slept with, used as a sex gift to friends, colleagues and boys attaining manhood ascension. the stories abound, yet Saudi Arabia is suppose to be the most holy land and its people, the men especially the prototype sample of good Muslim man.  Anyways, i have always opined that a lot about Saudi Arabia doesnt represent Islam in anyway. For instance, some days back i watched an interview on AlJazeera with the Ambassador of Saudi Arabia to Syria seeking election for Syria, while in Saudi, there isnt an election as the King is the alpha and omega. In fact, it was mentioned t=in that interview that to complain about the leadership or seek for a changed in leadership is a crime punishable as treason. We all have read of the story of the Saudi writer who was jailed for his book where he asked several questions ranging from; leadership, patriarchal society  and Islam as a religion.
Nigerian men (many that I know and read about) seem to only live for sex. Everything with a typical Nigerian man is tied to sex. We carry on with it sometimes we’ve heard bizarre stories of men who sold their houses for sex. But show a Nigerian man a woman who loves sex as much as he does you’d hear “she’s a whore”.
You’re laughing right? I am too. A Nigerian big man does so much to have sex outside his marriage but want you to believe he’s never heard of it before though he has 5 children. Same I have found must be the problem with the Arabs, why cocoon behind Jalabia and Islam yet wallow in sexual nefariousness promiscuity? Why are men bias towards sex and the women who have them though they love it too? Why call a girl a whore and you a champion for getting as much action as men do?
Is it wrong for a sexually active woman to crave or have sex as much as their male counterparts?