ROTTEN CABBAGES AND UN PLUCKED ROSES (ON BROKEN MARRIAGES AND SINGLE MOTHERS)
….. I know, I know. This isn’t what you want to read. You want the concluding part to ‘Assuzzie Baby’. Trust me, it’l come soon. I sincerely think that story is jinxed. I wish you all know how many times iv tried to write that story. But it won’t just flow. Anyway, some days back I had a very intense conversation with two of my friends and it just summed up all my perception, hearsay and things I have seen concerning broken marriages and the Problems of single mothers. I decided to share my thoughts. Enjoy.
Marriage; the LEGAL union of a man and a woman in order to live together and often to have children.2, an act establishing this union (an intimate union of TRUE MINDS)
THE CONCISE OXFORD DICTIONARY
I like the above definition of Marriage given by the men and women in Oxford. We all can define legal or hold legal in two ways as I suspect most of you are already.
1. Legal; the religious union. Where the husband and the wife swear with the bible/Quran to be with each other for better and worse. They do this in presence friends, families and even enemies who pretend to be friends. The women’s heads, all wrapped in the same color of Gele.
2. The constitutional rights of both a woman and man to become a union. Under a Signed document called THE CERTIFICATE. Signed by a Judge in presence of witnesses.
Whichever way you look at it or whichever you respect more, one of these two must happen for a union to be called marriage right? OK, lets move on. In all my existence in life, my formal and informal education, I’ve so been taught that marriage is the height of my living. Getting married, having kids of my own and catering for my family. Society has shown me this process from a lot of titles. You become MR from MASTER and MRS from MISS and the ultimate one, DADDY&MUMMY. I’ve since seen that in all I must do, I must place getting married as a priority. In fact, if you’re looking an irresponsible man, look at the one who is above 35 and not married yet. For a woman, look at the one who is above 30 and not married yet. Society. Society. Society. O su mi.
I am happy for everyone that is married. But I also ask, is marriage for everyone? You can battle with that answer. I am battling with it too. Sometimes I answer yes, other times I answer no. I must tell you. I don’t understand what men and women (before and after marriage) expect from marriage or what society expects of men and women (before and after marriage).
Am I the only one alarmed at the appalling rate of divorces happening nowadays? Damn! It seems like the world as come to another renaissance, where people seek more than marriage to be fulfilled. To explore the world and its freedom, to earn all the money in the world and be tagged successful in other things other than marriage.
Marriages crash as soon as soon as they re legalized these days. I don’t even want to mention Kim Kardashian. That’s a waste of my sweaty time. But look at Stella Damasus, Nike Osinowo, Doris Simeon,Monalisa Chinda, Fathia vs Said Balogun and the recent one Funke Akindele and Princess. After looking at these people, try remembering your neighbor who is divorced too. Your relative, or your colleague, broken marriages everywhere. First, I must say, people must learn to stop calling actresses and actors who break up their marriage irresponsible. They r not different from Rev Chris Okotie! If Christ Okotie still has congregation members and stands on the pulpit on some Saturdays solemnizing marriages then we all can pass. I wonder, what does he tell the couples he had to join together? “Do you solemnly wear, to accept this woman for better and when you cant take it anymore send her packing without telling anybody anything”. I wonder.
Secondly, I don’t care about you, but I think I am with Stella Damasus on this her marriage ‘macabadom’(patrick obiahagbon tins). I think she loved Jaye too much. And she’s use to a standard of love and treatment from her late husband that only Daniel Ademilekan has been able to match up to( if indeed theyre dating, both parties have denied anything of such. They say they are just friends). People should chase happiness. I am in full support of such love story. They dared to give society the wild middle finger and that’s why a lot of you re cranky. (tongue out). That aside, I don’t not support the way and manner both parties went about moving on. That said, let’s move on.
A friend made a joke that soon people will start inviting us to buy ‘aso ebi’ for divorce party just as we bought for the wedding. At some wedding receptions, you can already tell that the couple won’t last, Sad. I have this group meeting I attend. For married people, they say they teach ‘marital communication’. I, like you ask,’ what happened to the days of lets work it out? I mean like our parents do. Last week at the meeting, older folks were invited to share some of their experiences about marriage. After listening to about three of the women and two men, I concluded that even the old folks want a way out. But unlike us, old folks allowed society to have a way in their relationship. They did it, the societal way, what will people say’. I think that’s the only reason some of can still say ‘my parents live in …..’ as suppose ‘my mother lives in Enugu but my father is in the UK’. I am not trying to throw jabs at my friends whose parents are divorced. No, I am just saying, your Moms and Dads have taken a very, very bold step to living their lives. To own up to the truth and go in search of Peace. Some husbands and wives won’t experience peace until some minutes to their deaths, everyman for himself as they say. It is the truth. What is the point of soaking your heart, commitment and life into a Union that ended some 20, 30 years ago? One woman actually said to us that to her, her marriage had ended since 1984. This year, she celebrated three decades of being married. Do the math. She’s been living a great deal of her life just bearing, believing, hoping and conscious of what society would say. I salute the men and women who despite what society would say left the man or the woman they once loved. It is never easy.
Also, I came to understand or to think that maybe like dating, marriage too should be continuous. You know, you date a girl/guy, you guys don’t work out you ditch him and move on to the next loved individual. Is ti so? You marry now, after 10, 8,6,4,2 years find out your man or woman isn’t who you want, you divorce and find your life partner? Let’s take Stella for instance, she was married to Jaye, then that Igbo man, then you all heard she’s now with Daniel Ademilekan. Isn’t that how it should be?If yes, is the society ready? What will happen to the kids? You gather children from marriages? I don’t understand. But one thing though, salute to all those who sit in that marriage and make it work.
The other issue I find most tremendously pitiable is the way men, my peers and probably the older ones castigate and cast single women with a child. You and I call them ‘Baby Mamas’. Love has happened upon me like dews on a leaf. It has given silly satisfaction like the kid that rushes out under the rain and danced under its heavy down pour, naked, unashamed of peering eyes. Yes love has happened to me. And while I dated some women with future dreams, I knew for sure that I wouldn’t want to end up with some. It didn’t take forever. What am I driving at? What is men’s problem in loving or marrying a single woman with a child?
In my first year as a student at the University of Ibadan I was so in love with a girl who later confessed to me that she has a child. I wasn’t really experienced about dating. If we had dated I think she would have become my third girlfriend and my 1st in the University. Not like I am a Pro in dating now or something. But I am now in my 7th relationship. So yes, I think I know a thing, if not two about dating and women. What crime has single mothers committed that men find them intimidating to marry? Sh*t happens. I think I have more respect for women who decide to keep babies when they find out they’re pregnant. It isn’t easy, whatever the circumstances must have been. May be men wake up and sum up that women who have kids before marriage are loose or were indecent. But I’d like to ask men one question. ‘how many times have some of you reading told or compelled some of your girlfriends to abort a pregnancy or buy contraceptive pills?” i don’t think a man who truly loves a woman would advise her to get rid of a baby she’s carrying for him .He’d take it! Things may later wane between them but a baby occurred when it did and both parties had to move on. Be that as it may, how come men go on to marry, and the lady never seems to find someone who would accept her and her child? Is it a crime to be a Baby Mama?
I actually don’t mind getting married to a Baby Mama. I think it’ll make the man more responsible the moment he decides to get serious with the lady. A man scared of a child that isn’t his doesn’t really love the woman. Or maybe I am just naïve. Except in a most unusual way if the woman is so possessive of the child and won’t let the man correct or discipline the child. That could be a big problem but if the relationship does mean anything to her she’ll have to buckle up and come down of her donkey. But I don’t even think women have problems switching Daddies for their kids. Especially, if the kid is still very young. Men are just scared. But I had thought a woman with a baby wouldn’t be a problem for men. First, she’s experienced with kids. More caring and would know how to treat a man. Cos really, men are worse than babies. I actually admire the independent single Moms. God knows it isn’t easy bringing up a child, dome married couples can’t even keep up, yet a single Mom does it so well and scare a man. O ga!!!!!!!!!
So I am trying to do the math, if marriages are crumbling and single young mothers can’t find husbands from the array of eligible bachelors, how are the single girls faring? They want to go get married! It’s even worse now for the men, with GEJ’s reckless spending of the nation’s treasury and the pressure on a man to break even, these girls just want to get married, like there’s a calendar in heaven for it. I think a complete man, who is independent won’t find problems in being with a single Mom and a brave married man or woman won’t have problems walking out of a crumbling marriage.
These are my thoughts, let me know yours.